


all that i am (all that i have)

by cathect



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Buck-Centric, Hen Knows Everything, M/M, Pining, Spoilers for "Eddie Begins"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:48:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23832637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cathect/pseuds/cathect
Summary: “There’s… so much I haven’t told him,” Buck says quietly. Eddie’s definitely unconscious by now, and he doesn’t really care if the other medic is listening, but he can’t seem to make his voice any louder. “There’s so much I haven’t said.”It’s all he could think about as he dug in the mud with his bare hands and screamed Eddie’s name. Eddie had to live. They had to save him. He wasn’t allowed to die before Buck could tell him that he loves him.-or, one of many scenes we should have gotten at the end of "eddie begins."[spoilers for 3x15]
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 14
Kudos: 249





	all that i am (all that i have)

**Author's Note:**

> i struggled so hard with writing this fic, since it's the first non-smut fic i've written in about a year and a half now. but! i managed to do it !! that's how powerful "eddie begins" was.
> 
> big thank you to sar for beta'ing! and to grayson for being my biggest cheerleader and supporter throughout me writing this.

Buck wants to kiss Eddie the second he sees him.

It’s raining, and Eddie is covered in blood and muck and God knows what else, but Buck doesn’t care. The desire to haul his best friend to his feet and plant one on him right there in front of the whole crowd of first responders burns through Buck like fire in his veins, scorching him right down to his core. He’s never wanted anything more in his life.

The only thing that stops him from doing it is Bobby and Hen’s hands on Eddie, holding him up and dragging him towards the ambulance. Buck lets muscle memory guide him through the motions of carrying dead weight. Eddie can’t stand on his own— he can barely _breathe_ on his own, it seems like— but they get him to the paramedics pretty easily, despite the monsoon coming down around them and the ground doing its best to trip them up.

Hayden is with his mother in another ambulance parked right next to them in the mud. Eddie cranes his neck to see, and Bobby puts a hand on his shoulder.

“He’s okay,” Bobby says, shouting just slightly to be heard over the roar of the wind and rain. “You saved him, Eddie. You did it.”

Buck watches the tension seep from Eddie’s shoulders, the fight leave his body. He’s still breathing and his eyes are still open, but it’s like he was trying to stay alert until he knew for sure that the kid was okay. “Thank God,” he says as he collapses onto the gurney. Water falls off of him and drips onto the floor and Hen drapes a warming blanket over him.

“You coming?” Hen asks, startling Buck from his thoughts. She’s got one hand poised on the door handle to pull it closed and, behind her, there’s an oxygen mask on Eddie’s face.

Buck blinks. His body feels heavy and his brain is running at a mile a minute, but he nods after a moment. “Yeah,” he croaks. An unreadable expression flashes across Hen’s face as she reaches out her hand and hauls him into the cabin.

“We’ll meet you guys at the hospital,” she tells Bobby, who nods and shuts the door behind them. Bobby slaps his hand against the ambulance twice to signal the driver, and they’re off.

The rain is coming down even harder now, slamming against the roof and ringing in Buck’s ears. His throat is raw from all of the screaming, and he knows his eyes are red. He watches Eddie’s chest rise and fall and just barely stops himself from reaching for his hand. He knows it wouldn’t seem weird; Eddie is his best friend, after all. But something about the situation feels too delicate, like something will go wrong if Buck moves even an inch.

Hen is sitting next to him on the little metal bench. There’s another medic with them, one that Buck doesn’t recognize, checking Eddie’s vitals. She doesn’t look as panicked as Buck feels, so he takes that as a good sign.

“Buck,” Hen says softly. Her hand appears on Buck’s forearm. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” Buck says. He’s shaken up and stressed out, on the verge of throwing up, but it isn’t a total lie. “I’m not the one who almost died.”

“I know.” There’s a long pause before Hen says, “But he is.” The statement feels almost monumental in the confined space.

Buck closes his eyes and takes a breath. Hen doesn’t push, but she doesn’t take her hand away either. “I just—?” The words get stuck in his throat and it feels like he’s choking on them. He swallows hard and opens his eyes. “I’ve never been so scared to lose someone, Hen.”

Saying it kind of makes him feel like an asshole, since everyone in the 118 has been in harm’s way more than once. Hell, Maddie was taken hostage in the call center less than a month ago. Even still, no part of him wants to take the statement back. It’s the truth, after all.

“There’s… so much I haven’t told him,” Buck says quietly. Eddie’s definitely unconscious by now, and he doesn’t really care if the other medic is listening, but he can’t seem to make his voice any louder. “There’s so much I haven’t said.”

It’s all he could think about as he dug in the mud with his bare hands and screamed Eddie’s name. Eddie had to live. They had to save him. He wasn’t allowed to die before Buck could tell him that he loves him.

Buck drops his face into his hands and wills the tears pricking at his eyes to _fuck off_. Someone has definitely called Carla by now, and she and Christopher will probably be waiting at the hospital when they get there. He can’t cry in front of Christopher. He has to be strong for him, because Eddie can’t right now.

Hen squeezes his arm gently. “He’s going to be okay, Buck,” she says. “You still have time.”

It’s obvious by the look on her face that she already knows exactly what Buck wants to say to Eddie. He wonders how long she’s known, if maybe she knew before Buck knew himself. He wonders if she’s the only one.

“Thanks, Hen.” He offers a small nod that she returns with a smile as she lets go of his arm. She tilts her body toward the front of the ambulance, almost like she’s trying to give Buck some privacy.

This time, when Buck looks to Eddie, he does reach for his hand. Eddie’s fingers are freezing, but they twitch in Buck’s grasp. Buck holds on tight and runs his thumb over Eddie’s dirty knuckles.

Buck thinks of all the time he’s spent with Eddie; every moment, every day that just felt like routine before seems to stand out in his mind. He took it all for granted. He took _Eddie_ for granted. It’s easy to forget sometimes how easily the world can rip something right out of your hands. Buck vows to himself that he’ll never forget again.

“It’s okay,” Buck mutters to himself, struggling to believe it. “We still have time.”

He tilts his head up towards the sky; he’s never really believed in God, but something out there must be on his side, because it brought Eddie back to him.

 _Thank you,_ he thinks, _for giving me another chance._

There’s a loud crack of thunder outside, and Buck isn’t delusional enough to take it as a sign or anything, but it still settles something in his chest. The ambulance drives over a particularly rough pothole and thoroughly jostles all of its passengers, but Buck never lets go of Eddie’s hand.

**Author's Note:**

> yes, the open ending was completely intentional from the start. no, i didn't try four separate times to write a love confession scene and fail each time. why would you even ask me that?
> 
> come visit me on tumblr @devilstrip!


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